Candy Corner: Candy for a Post Apocalyptic World

by Erik

Have you heard about the apocalypse? It's all the rage nowadays, what with Harold Camping and his "end of days is May 21st no whoops I mean some time in October" prophecy, the Hunger Games, The Road, 2012 (the movie and the Mayan prophecy), The Book of Eli, Battle Los Angeles, Battlestar Galactica (the reboot -- and yes, Battlestar Galactica, at its core, is much a tale of post-apocalyptic survival), that new Bon Iver album (shit, it makes me WISH for an apocalypse so I don't have to hear it!) ... well, you can hardly go anywhere, pop-culture wise, without running into a good ol' fashioned end-of-the-world story. Or wishing for the end of the world -- take your pick.

But, the important question: what kind of candy would survive the end of the world, and establish itself as the world's post apocalyptic candy of choice? Everyone jokes about how Twinkies are basically indestructable, and how they'd be the only food to survive a nuclear war -- heck, even WALL-E took a pot-shot at the venerable twinkie (he feeds it to his pet roach!). But that's not my choice -- it's too easy, too simple.

The clear survivor is the Bit-O-Honey.

 

Why Bit-O-Honey? Well, for a couple of reasons. First, they have a pretty interesting history that makes it clear they're in it for the long haul. A brief synopsis*:

1300 B.C.  Ancient Sumerians discover that they can still chew honeycomb after it's been dropped in sand. Upon discovery, remark "Eh ... I guess it tastes better than regular sand."

203 A.D. Ancient Rome. Romans discover that eating a bit of honey rolled in wheat and also sand makes them projectile vomit a great distance, making them instant hits in the vomitoriom during their weekly "Caligua theme night!" get togethers.  

1348 A.D. Great Britain. As the Black Plague sweeps through the city of Bath, many citizen victims are heard to remark "Tis better than a bit of honey rolled in wheat and sand!" as they choke on their own blood.  

1586 A.D. Venice Italy. A remarkable breakthrough occurs when sawdust is added to the sand-honey-wheat mixture, establishing the same basic Bit-o-Honey formula that will be used essentially unaltered for the next 500 years.  

1921 A.D. Spain. At the height of the Great Influenza Pandemic, citizen victims are heard to remark "Tis better than a bit of honey rolled in sawdust and wheat and sand!" as they choke on their own blood.

2000 A.D. The start of a new millennium saw many people worried about a global catastrophe due to the "Y2K" bug. Bit-o-Honey experiences greatest sale volume ever due to stockpiling and hoarding of nation's supply by those assuming that the global food distribution network will not function as of January 1, 2000.  After Y2K fails to materialize, those very same Bit-O-Honey's are re-released to the market in April of 2008 in anticipation of 2012 hysteria.  The Bit-O-Honey marketing team will, in the future, refer to this time as the Golden Honey Era, as sales eventually surpass volumes that shipped during the immediate aftermath of World War II and Eisenhower-era 1950s (a time period that the very same sales marketing people refer to in internal memos as "Big Ikes Giant Honey Dipper Sham-A-Lam-A-Ding-Dong Salesapalooza.")  

And that just about brings us up to date, although any Bit-O-Honey history would be remiss if it didn't mention the Lifetime Achievement Award from the American Dental Association for "Continued service in breaking teeth and pulling out fillings unintentionally" that was received in 2009.

Long story short, Bit-O-Honey is one tough candy. Like, seriously. It's tough. It hurts to chew. It might break your teeth and will definitely wreck your braces. So if I were to pick a fighter, a candy survivor, one candy that could persist until the end of time, there really is only one option. The Bit-O-Honey. 

*Clearly, this history is 100% fraudulent.

{image credit: hometownfavorites.com} 

Comments

[Christy]

I actually really like Bit-O-Honey. Yes, really. Mary Janes are terrible, though.

[Heather]

So funny!

Mr. Candy Corner, is there any truth to the fact that all of the candy corn in the world was produced in the 40s? If that's the case, I would say that Candy Corn has a pretty decent shelf-life as well, and might be kicking right along side Bit-O-Honey.

[Caitlin]

FACT: Bit-O-Honey has zero redeeming qualities, and in addition scores negative points based on its terrible name.

BOO I say, BOO!, to you, Bit-O-Honey.

[Laurie]

Slight error- people with influenza normally don't die by choking on their own blood. Other than that small detail, what an amazingly accurate historical overview!

[sun runner]

You maligned indie darling Bon Iver! We are no longer friends.

But go on with the maligning of Bit-O-Honey. I agree it's noxious stuff.