Tipping and Restaurant Etiquette: A Follow-Up!

by Caitlin

Did you see last week's post? More importantly, did you see the comments? Damn, Gina! I LOVED reading them. So much that I just had to write a follow-up. There's so much good stuff that encompasses how I feel about tipping, which I didn't put in my post. So in addition to what I wrote, here are some follow up points to continue the discussion. Thanks for all your input, for taking the time to read and respond. I feel a lot more passionately about this than I may have let on, and I'm glad to know there are reasonable, generous souls out there. It helps combat the a-holes that prompted the post in the first place.

- I might have mislead you a bit. To quote commenter Tessie, "I'm a former server and pathological tipper." (pathological tipper! official new phrase). Tipping below 20% really feels wrong to me. If you wonder why, go (re-)read the post and all the comments.

- If you're a bad tipper (like...BAD. If you tip 18% we can still be friends. Probably.) or are rude or otherwise mistreat waitstaff or bartenders, I will judge you. As some commenters mentioned, I believe that how you treat people in service roles says a lot about your character.

Snapping your fingers at waitstaff? Not okay.

Demanding things? Not okay.

Say please and thank you. Use your manners. Science hasn't figured out how to get affordable robots to bring you food or refill your water glass, so in the meantime it means you're interacting with another human being. A human being! Imagine that! Paying $10 for a burger doesn't give you the right to be a jackass or a tyrant. Nothing does, really, while we're at it. That thing you might have heard of someone's uncle's brother doing where they put a pile of money on the table and remove a dollar for every mistake the server makes, or whatever? That is neither clever nor appropriate, but congratulations on being an self-centered idiot for thinking so.

- Raise your hand if you've ever tucked a few extra dollars under your plate before you dash off with your group of bad tippers. (We love you, Grandparents of the United States, but STOP THAT.)

- Don't be afraid to talk to managers: For good OR bad service. Guess what? A restaurant can't correct a problem they don't know exists. They also know if you leave with a bad taste in your mouth (literal or figurative) you're going to tell all your friends and Yelp! about it. A restaurant worth its salt (ugh unintentional food puns) will appreciate a chance to correct the problem, and hopefully change your mind about your experience.

- Tell a manager what a great job your server or bartender or busser did. Who wouldn't want someone to tell their boss they did an awesome job?

- Tell your server or bartender or busser directly that they did a great job. AND ALSO tip them well. Do both. DO BOTH.

- Hey, guess what? Being nice to people is its own reward, but it also pays off literally. One night a few years ago my husband and I had great service at a local place. It was crazy and busy and the place was relatively new but our server was competent and fun and made it a great experience for us, even though we knew it must have been a rough night for him. We were impressed, and made sure to tell the server and the manager, and leave a higher than normal tip. The next time we came in, the server remembered us, we remembered him. Servers talk. We continued to get great service. That server is now the manager of the restaurant. Every time we go in, even with a line out the door on a Saturday night, we're seated quickly. (Sorry, patrons in line, but not that sorry.)

Just...acknowledge that your server is a human being, is what I'm saying. A kind word goes a long way. (And once on a very early morning flight it got me free booze.)

- If you have it on you, tip in cash, even if you pay with a credit card. It's, ah, easier for the servers come tax time.

- Please don't be afraid to send something back if it's wrong. If you've seen the movie Waiting then, yeah, okay, I get it. Some of that is true to life. But a) that was A MOVIE and b) the fact of the matter is that in every profession there are assholes and there are people who take pride in what they do. I guess the bottom line is that if you're going to the kind of places where you're too afraid to speak up or send something back for fear of what they'll do (spit! or worse!), then why on earth are you giving your hard-earned money to those places?

- Somewhere in the comments someone mentioned that servers choose that profession knowing their salaries are going to be based off tips, so they have no business doing a poor job. Yes, absolutely. Everyone has a responsibility to do a good job at their job, and I'll make it known if I'm unhappy with a server because they're being rude, lazy, or careless. But it's also true that everyone has bad days, and servers are not 100% responsible for all aspects of your restaurant experience, so I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt when appropriate. And again, at the end of the day it's just a few dollars difference to me.

- Someone else mentioned that it's not always the kitchen that messes up. Sometimes, somewhere along the way, an onion gets on your burger that you didn't want there. Deal with it. And yes, basically, I agree. It could have been the kitchen. It could have been the server. It could have been the rogue Onion Elf merrily tossing them on when no one was looking. Unless my food is cold or realllllly cooked improperly, then it's not that big a deal to me to pick onions off. (Or whatever.) If, on the other hand, I had an allergy or something I'd made clear to the servers then yes, that would be a different story. ETCETERA.

Basically, use your best judgement. I guess that's what it always comes down to for me with restaurant service. If it's an honest mistake or miscommunication or something else that boils down to regular life/human error/whatever, then tie goes to the server (baseball reference! Go Sox!). If, however, there's a real issue of incompetence or laziness that's making my experience worse then I speak up. In short, know what you're paying for, have some standards, but don't be a shmuck.

Oh! Wait! Several people asked about how to tip on drinks, and how to tip on take out orders and deliveries of takeout food and pre-tax vs. post-tax.

- I tip on the post-tax amount. Because I just never paid attention to it, I guess. And now that I have, well, hey (again) it's a couple of bucks.

- My standard rule at the bar is to tip roughly a dollar per drink, but that depends on a lot of things. If I'm going to be there for a while I throw a few extra bucks down early to help keep the booze flowing. If we're eating at the bar, then I tip as I would a regular server - 20% on the bill.

- We rarely get food delivered, as there isn't a lot of good delivery (or takeout!) near where I live. HEAVY SIGH. But if you want to open up a delicious and affordable pizza place near me I'd be happy to tip your driver a good 20% to cover his/her meager paycheck and gas costs.

- If I run in to pick up food, then it depends. I used to not tip anything in these situations. Lately though (and following a quiz of friends when I started to feel guilty drawing a line through the tip spot on the credit card slip) I've started throwing a dollar or two down. I guess because I'm not sure what the right thing to do is here. In some cases the person who hands me my food has done nothing except literally hand it to me after a runner brings it from the kitchen. In other cases they may have taken the order, packed it up, rung it up, etc. while seating people or pouring drinks. I can't know in every case which it is, so whatever. Err on the side of generosity. And again (say it with me!) it's just a couple of bucks. I'll pay a dollar or two to walk away not worrying if I should have tipped.

- I don't frequent Starbucks (though if there were Boston-quality Dunkin Donuts around here, you bet your ass I'd be there for my beloved iced coffee on the reg), but there is a fast-casual place a I regularly get a lunch salad from during the work week. They know me, they're friendly, they remember my order. I throw a dollar in their tip jar every few lunches (and will throw my change in there if I pay in cash). If I do go into a coffee shop or the like and someone who helps me is super friendly or just seems to be doing a good job and/or generally isn't miserable to be there then I'll throw something in their tip jar - a dollar, the change from my bill, whatever.

How do you handle these things? What else am I missing? If you didn't get a chance to chime in last week, now's your chance!

Comments

[badger reader]

Excellent follow-up!
I try to tip in cash whenever possible. When paying the bill with a credit card, I will write 'cash' on the tip line. I am always paranoid a manager will see the receipt and think I didn't tip if I cross out the line or put a 0.

[Jesabes]

My college roommate worked at Applebees and (at that particular time/location, at least) one server was assigned to carside-to-go each shift. That was all they did and all the tips they got. Obviously, everyone dreaded it, since they made almost nothing. I always tip for take-out.

Also, the references to not paying taxes on tips in these posts/comments are extremely disturbing to me. That’s flat-out stealing. I know you may be scraping by – but so are a lot of other people. McDonalds employees have to pay taxes, why not you?

[emiliym]

Thank you for the follow up! Great job!

Something I meant to add to my comment on the last post - When I worked in customer service for a (major) airline, I dealt with the angry/upset customers who either missed or had canceled flights - not fun! BUT, for those customers who were patient, kind and USED MY NAME when speaking to me - I would upgrade them to first class for free if there were seats available. I can't speak for food service, but I do know that when someone noticed my name and used it, I felt like a human being instead of a punching bag.

I don't know where I'm going with this, other than maybe try using your server's name when you go out to eat. You may not get upgraded to first class (or...free food?) but it will make your Server feel appreciated just a liiiiittle bit more.

[craftyashley]

But what about all those random jobs that may or may not require tipping! I AM SO CLUELESS ON THIS. (that and pathologically cheap) For example: we hired movers. We paid by the hour, and they did a great job. Do we tip them? And how much? Do we give them each a little something? AGH!
And the carpet cleaners? Do we tip them?

Where does it end?

I draw the line at tipping the kid making my smoothie. But I really don't want to be inadvertently rude when I'm just uninformed!

[J]

For any servers who are "listening" -- please stop stooping down and putting your elbows on my table and peering at me eye-to-eye. I know, somewhere, you were told that people like this and will tip more. Maybe they do (do they?!). I do not like this -- am I the only one weirded out by this, especially when it is a small two-top table? I don't tip any less, but I just cringe.

I find it interesting that emilynn likes being called by name. This is something I actually did not like as a server and still do not like. (Although I suppose it is preferable to being snapped at for attention and called "waitress") I go to the gym and they greet me with my first name as if they know me. I don't like that level of familiarity with strangers. Same thing at the bank, etc. after they have looked at my check or whatever.

With taxes, when I was waiting tables I paid full taxes on all my credit card tips and reported a portion of my cash tips. Basically what we would do is figure what our tips should be based on our sales and assuming around 15% tips. Anything extra we did not report. Maybe other people disagree but I had no problem with this. But, I am not a big fan of paying any more in taxes than I have to in general. :)

[Caitlin]

Jesabes:
"Also, the references to not paying taxes on tips in these posts/comments are extremely disturbing to me. That’s flat-out stealing. I know you may be scraping by – but so are a lot of other people. McDonalds employees have to pay taxes, why not you? "

Well. Okay. Not claiming 100% of every dollar that you make on your taxes, is that flat out stealing? I suppose it is.
And for the record, servers do have to claim what they make, and most do claim around 15% or so. Any servers want to chime in here?

When I was a server, we had to enter the amount of tips we'd gotten at the end of the night when we clocked out. What about a coffee shop employee who has a tip jar out and brings home a few extra bucks a day? Does it make a difference if there is no place to claim tips in the computer? If that person doesn't have a place in a work computer to enter it and have the company take care of the tax portion of it for them, then they'd have to find a way to track the $7-20 per shift (or whatever) and at year end put it on their tax forms. If they don't, does that also disturb you extremely? What about a chef who is called out of the kitchen and given a tip from a table, at most once or twice a year? What if they don't find a way to claim that $35 at the end of the year?
What about a hostess, who's on salary, who is extremely helpful for a special occasion one time, and the guest slips her a $20?
Does it disturb you extremely when a 15 year old of legal working age regularly babysits for cash and doesn't report it to the government?

Using the phrase "extremely disturbing" raised my eyebrow. I'm genuinely curious if there's some kind of line where it becomes less disturbing for you, or if it's all equally as disturbing.

[Caitlin]

Emiliym & J - Interesting! In service roles (I did customer service for a long time, aside from the food industry), I didn't always like it when people used my name repeatedly, for reasons J mentions. I felt uncomfortable with that kind of familiarity, unless it was someone that was a regular or that I did have a relationship with from helping them previously.

J, thanks for the input on claiming tips.

SERVERS: DO NOT SIT DOWN IN MY BOOTH to chat or take my order or do anything. Do not lean down and put your face near mine (J, where are you eating that they do this?! Creepy.)

Craftyashley - I don't know. I try and take it on a case by case basis. If someone is in my home helping I usually offer them a beer, and would probably tip movers - either a percentage or throw them each something. Carpet people...I don't know.

[Caitlin]

And Emiliym! Yes, exactly what you said about being nice to service people -- these days I go out of my way to be nice to airline personnel especially. I know their jobs these days must be awful. Being nice to people in general has gotten me an awful lot more than being a jackass.

(Like the time it got me a last seat on a flight instead of the guy who was treating the woman at the counter like total garbage.)

[Alice]

I LOVE THESE DISCUSSIONS SO MUCH. i don't have anything else to add, even! i just keep refreshing the comments to read more!

[Em]

I wouldn't say that wait staff not claiming tips on their taxes disturbs me, but it is dishonest. People in other professions who get paid hourly (and don't get tips) are forced to pay taxes on all their earnings. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it if I was a server, but implying that you are helping them skimp on taxes by paying tips in cash sounds a little shady.

[Caitlin]

Em: It sounds a little shady because it was meant to, and it's about as shady as you implying that you might do it if you were a server.

[Jesabes]

Caitlin, I'm sorry if it sounded like I was attacking you. It wasn't what you said that bothered me so much (also, I think claiming a straight 15% is probably good enough). There was a comment on last week's post that seemed to advocate trying to get away with not paying taxes at all. I can't remember exactly (I'm on my phone right now, so it would be hard to look).

I think other professions certainly should claim tips, probably on an estimated basis, too. Like if the coffee shop employee takes home approximately $10/week, there's no need to track the exact total religiously.

Having teenage babysitters file taxes is an excellent practice, because if their wages are below the standard deduction (which they almost certainly will be), they won't actually owe anything but will get practice filing taxes. It's not strictly necessary, though (I believe the tax law says anyone earning under a certain amount doesn't need to file).

[Jesabes]

Also, I know I sound legalistic, but I'm an auditor and have to be black and white, write-up-every-infraction at work, so its my default setting:) Sorry.

(And now I feel like I should say what I said in my last comment wasn't auditor advice - estimates aren't acceptable at my job. Then again, I audit businesses not individuals.)

[Duncan Hannah]

Over the past couple of years I have been trying to use names more, especially on the phone, I don't use it in every sentence but if they identify themselves as Ashley, then at the end of the conversation, I say something like, Thanks for your help, Ashley. I imagine them smiling and feeling like their efforts were appreciated just a tad more.

With respect to claiming tips on taxes, the general gist of the blogs and comments is that tips are meant to bring servers' wages from sub-minimum wage to acceptable. If they were paid a reasonable salary in the first place, the restaurant would be reporting the wages to the IRS and there would be no question. if you're earning a reasonable wage and not paying taxes on it, you're getting a bigger tip than I intended and, because the government will spend regardless, you're either raising my tax rate or increasing the national debt. pay your fair share.

So we went from 'How much should I tip?' to the national debt. Sorry but people who cheat the government seem to think that it's some innocuous third party and it's not. it's you and me.

Love,
Dad

[Caitlin]

Alllllright. It was probably a bit unwise to write the tax comment as I did. I get what you're all saying and to be clear: I'm not for tax evasion or cheating the government. I think everyone should pay their fair share, and I understand that when people don't it effects all of us. My husband and I have been legally employed, tax paying citizens since our early-mid teens. I see a third or more of my paycheck go to taxes every month: I'm with you.
I think, though, that what's clear from these comments is that there is some gray area and it can be as simple or as complicated as we want - in the same way I wouldn't file a report with the government if I paid my 13 year old babysitter cash, or expect the babysitter to do so. (Though I do agree teens should have more practice with taxes and personal finance in general: I had to file taxes when I worked in coffee shops and such as a teen. It was good practice. But I'm not at the point yet of worrying about America's casual teen sitters filing tax returns.) This isn't to say that I want servers to get all tipped in cash all the time explicitly to avoid paying anything in taxes: Servers should pay their fair share as everyone should. I basically expect/understand servers to claim their income based on receiving about 15% of their bills in tips. I also know that sometimes they get screwed over by people who don't tip, or don't tip enough, who chew-and-screw, they have to tip out their bar staff and bussers, etc. So, I'm happy to pay in cash and help make up the difference. I feel like it all comes out in the wash. And again, we're talking about a few dollars difference here.

And Dad, I get what you're saying. But. What about all the free beers I've been thrown for being a bar regular? Accepting them is technically cheating the government AND the bar owner, since I'm not paying either in cost of goods/services/taxes. And I guess it's cheating the other patrons since the restaurant's prices might be cheaper if the bartenders never gave out free beers. And come to think of it, you've actually been the recipient of free beers at some of my regular bars, so I guess the same would apply to you. Hey, we're both cheating the government! But what if the bar factors in the cost of some free beers to keep regular customers coming back? Now is the bar cheating the other customers AND the government, and I'm doing nothing wrong? Are we both responsible? Is it okay? Should we never accept a free beer again from a bartender?

I think we can make this as simple or as complicated as we want. For me, I'll be throwing in cash if I have it, paying all my taxes, and maybe worrying that now Food Lush commenters think I'm a cheerleader for tax evasion. (Al Capone: Call me.)

Hey, how do we feel about claiming income tax for yard sales??

[Sarah Anne]

I actually never thought of the tipping in cash bit. Duh, Sarah.

As far as cheating the government...don't accountants get paid very well to find every deduction possible? Hell... math geniuses get scooped up by big trading firms to write algorithms to cheat the gov. I guess helping a server who works their tail off, earn a decent wage isn't really bothering me. In fact? That comment made me want want to tip in cash more often. And I will!

Awesome tips and commentary on something I'm always passionate about. Just BE NICE people!

(Also love the 'do both' comment. So true!!)

[Lydia]

On the tax front: The IRS assumes you make 8% in tips on every dollar of your sales. That means that if people don't tip, you actually LOSE money on that table bc you are taxed for money you did not get.

Also, if you are a server who fudges your tips amounts, that can come back to bite you. Like if you'd like to buy a house and your pay stub says you only make $30k a year when in reality you make $50k. You can't get an accurate loan because it looks like you make much less money.

Just two points I thought I'd bring up! I was a server for 2+ years and am glad I did it, but I don't miss it at ALL. Ha.