Food Network Star #3 Recap: Cake Pops and Chocolate Bacon

By Dani

(In case you missed it, here's last week's recap.)

We're back in the Food Network mansion (like the Bachelor Pad, but with less making-out. I think.) (Although Chris is in ITTY-BITTY boxers which we do NOT need to see, and seems like he wouldn't mind a lil' action, ifyaknowhattamean.)

The first challenge is using Hershey's chocolate to make a savory dinner dish. Everybody randomly gets a different chocolate selection and some of them look IMPOSSIBLE to use. Like, York Patties in dinner? I'm sorry, but I have no idea how to make that tasty. Oh, wait, Chris the Frat Boy is here to make it awesome! Lamb and York Patties! Just kidding, that still sounds terrible.

Vic is dipping asparagus in chocolate, which sounds like something you would dare your friends to eat out of a cart at the County Fair. Orchid is irritated that Chris is writing on his hand, which is the least of her worries, in my opinion. Jeff used a headband to keep his sweat under control, which is a little nasty, but better than sweat, I guess. Justin B. is still kindof boring on camera, but he's just SO cute and tattooed and his food sounds fanTASTic every time. Jyll makes Almond Joy fried shrimp which sounds fab. Whitney makes "chocolate fetuccini" which sounds nasty but apparently tastes good. Alicia is a basketcase, per usual, although she tells the camera that she's nervous like this breaking news.

Jyll wins! Chris and Vic have a bro-love moment and cry about being losers together.

The next challenge is making desserts for 150 guests! But guess what, they get to be on teams. The chicks, led by Jyll, are on Duff Goldman's team. The dudes and Penny the Middle Eastern Momma/Meanie, are on Robert Irvine's team. I want to be friends with Duff, mostly because I really need a Millenium Falcon cake for my birthday.

Anyhoodle, time to cook!

Most of the girls are pastry chef types and so this seems like a slam dunk for them. However, Alicia is cray-cray and losing her crap at an alarming rate, despite the fact that she used to BAKE cupcakes for a LIVING. Jeez, woman.

The boys are letting Chris lead them, which sounds like the worst idea ever. The girls are not having a leader, which sounds even worse than being led by a frat boy.

Alicia can't remember a cupcake recipe. This is looking terrible. OH BUT NOT AS TERRIBLE as Chris and Vic on the couch wrapped in blankets having a moment. Is anyone else feeling oh-so-awkward right now? So much man-love, peeps. So much.

Ah, but Justin B. is so cute and focused and he's making Kettle Corn, which might be my favorite snack of all time. Chris calls himself "Big Chris" and looks like he's humping the ice cream machine. Ew.

Mary Beth says that she feels like they're cooking next door to a bowling alley. Ha. Jyll announces that she can tell that they don't need a leader, because of their camaraderie. Ummmmm. I'm not sure that's how leadership works.

Susie is making churros and cha-cha-ing adorably. Jeff gives Chris a pep talk about doing things right instead of quickly, which has no effect, as expected. Justin B. is cute while he's cooking. Justin D. is cute while he's cooking, too, with his little hipster glasses. Aw. Duff comes in to check on the girls and they are all cute and sweet to him and I want to be friends with them.

Jeff calls Robert Irvine the "Swift Hammer of Justice" and he is downright scary. He tells the boys to clean up their atrociously nasty kitchen. He tells Chris to quit being the leader and appoints and Justin B. instead, who focuses and brings it together within MINUTES.

Chris announces that "a leader takes the blame when something goes wrong". There's some really weird leadership philosophies going on, here, y'all.

Alicia tells the camera that she's "kindof a stress-ball". That was kindof the understatement of the century.

Orchid says that they need a leader, and even though she seems like she would be awesome at it, she asks why Jyll won't do it. "Ask not what your teammate can do for you..." Isn't that how it goes?

Chris plops his pies on the ground. I laugh.

Chris tells us that "he's amazing in public". I gag.

The guests come in and start devouring desserts. MY KIND OF CROWD, y'all. How do I get invited to Food Network tasting parties?

Jyll says that they want everything to be made with love. Love and stress and Alicia's nervous laughter, you mean.

Oh and the guests are throwing away the cupcakes. And, the girls are trying to act like "Cupcake Lollipops" are some new, whimsical idea. Um, girls? Starbucks makes Cake Pops. When Starbucks is making your dish, it's officially MAINSTREAM and as un-whimsical as you can possibly get. Sorry.

Jyll's dish sounds so good! Banana cheesecake something? Yes. Orchid's pecan pie has bacon in the crust. Sold.

The boys desserts sound surprisingly good. With all the chaos in the kitchen, I thought they would fall flat... but surprise! Nomnomnomnom.

BUT, they made chocolate-covered-bacon for their group dessert. Really? My friends made each other eat that at the fair last year. They proceeded to puke on the ferris wheel. It was epic.

OK! It's elimination time! The boys and Penny win! Penny is insufferably mean and Chris is insufferably fratty and I'm irritated with them. The girls are nice to each other. So refreshing.

Orchid is wearing a floor-length skirt. Girlfriend, c'mere. I like you. You are adorable, but you have short legs. SHOW THEM OFF. Right now you look even shorter and wider and covered in fabric and it is just not good. I want Stacey and Clinton to make you buy a cocktail dress.

Bobby Flay tells Chris that he's like a "one-year-old horse that needs to be broken". Ha! My little cowgirl heart loves it.

Jyll gets ripped for not being a leader, Mary Beth looks really worried and Whitney is cute and confident. Alicia is still stressed and even dares to tell the judges that she's really good at cakes, even though her cake pops were really terrible. Ruh, roh....

ALICIA GOES HOME! Hallelujah. I'm so glad that I don't have to be stressed out next week... because next week, they are catering for CougarTown and Paula Deen. Ooooh la la, this show is getting better all the time. See you next week!